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26 April 2006 @ 10:26 am
Nobody posts here anymore. Post badfic people! POST IT!

Something strange happened at Hogwarts one night, no scratch that, something strange happened to the entire WORLD one night. On this one particular night, while everyone lay asleep in their cozy beds, something changed. The very definition of attractiveness changed throughout the world.

People woke up and began to think: "Hey, you know what? I think sallow skin, greasy hair, a perpetual sneer, and the attitude of a pissed off teenage boy is hot. Way hot."

Everyone, that is, except Severus Snape, who was blissfully unaware of the change in people's perception of him. His day started out like every other. Wake up, curse the world, skip shower because it takes an hour to put all his clothing on (Damn buttons), glare at anyone who dares to look in his general direction, insult co-workers at breakfast, you know ... the usual.

Except things stopped being 'the usual' when he glared at a group of students on his way to the main hall for breakfast. Instead of being suitably cowed by his Glare of Imminent Doom (C), the little bastards giggled. This was rather disturbing considering that the gigglers in question were all 7th year boys. He threatened them with detention, scrubbing cauldrons for hours on end, but they asked if he would be there supervising, looking a bit too eager for his taste. He quickly informed them that Mr. Filch would be the one in charge of the detention and they finally looked horrified. Ah good, his cruel act quota was met for the hour.

Wait, did they just want to have detention with him? Good God, was he losing his touch? Did he no longer terrify the students? And, if so, was their anymore reason from him to live?! It was probably some sort of curse placed on the boys. Yes, that's it. They were still terrified by him, but couldn't show it. Ah, yes, much better. Existential crisis averted.


Meanwhile, Harry Potter sat at the Gryffindor table with his friends Ron and Hermione. Hermione was reading The Daily Prophet as usual, and ranting about some article regarding the sudden and mysterious deaths of Ginny Weasley and Cho Chang (both bodies had been found sorrounded by voodoo dolls, an altar, and a confused baby goat).

Harry couldn't be bothered to care (Ginny had only been a nuisance, really), so he looked towards the Slytherin table since he hated them so much that he simply had to stare at them for exorbitant amounts of time. He quickly spotted Malfoy, his Childhood Nemesis. Malfoy sneered as usual, and Harry was horrified to find that he was not horrified. Something about Malfoy's slicked-back hair and sneer made him extremely fidgety. What the Hell?

Looking away, Harry saw Professor Snape enter the Great Hall. Harry felt a sudden clenching in his chest. Apparently, the Monster had returned. (He had thought he had gotten rid of the parasite during the summer holiday, but who could really trust medical potions from Fred and George?)

Feeling annoyed that he'd have to go to the Hospital Wing, Harry made to get up from the table. Unfortunately, he couldn't stop staring at Snape's huge, beautiful nose and promptly tripped face-first into a pile of bacon.


As Snape entered the hall he turned glare at Potter for simply existing, turning just in time to see the boy plant his face in a pile of bacon. Stupid boy, probably did it for attention. Just like his father. Except the elder Potter would have fallen on Lily's lap, not bacon. Hmmm, perhaps the boy had a 'thing' for bacon. He filed that away as potential material to torment the boy with.

Looking out at the other students he noticed something was off. Little things, mind you. Like the fact that one of the Hufflepuff girls was waving a sign that said "Do Me Profesor Snape" on it.

How odd.

But he had no time to ponder this, he was being waved over by the Headmaster. He hurried over to his usual seat and sat down.

"Would you like some can-deh Severus?", Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he spoke.

Snape resisted the urge to stab the man in the eye with a fork. Instead he looked out at the students again, ignoring the Headmaster's question entirely. Why the hell did he continue to work here again? Oh, right, that spying thing.

"-just got a new shipment of lemon drops-"

Was that old coot still talking?

"So, would tonight be good for you?"

He turned to face the headmaster, "Good for what?" Oh dear, perhaps he should have been paying attention.

"For us to finally consummate our love." His eyes still twinkling, Snape had suspected that the 'can-deh' the other man was so fond of was actually some sort of drug and that statement just confirmed his suspicions.

"Have you finally gone insane? Pardon, me, MORE insane?"

McGonagall chose this time to enter the conversation and add yet another mental scar to his psyche. "He's right Albus, he needs someone young and virile...someone female." She coughed politely, "Someone like me."


Year after year he had fought The Dark Lord, surviving on luck and a strong will to live. However, Harry realized that he wanted to die when he inhaled bacon grease. Breathing was becoming rather difficult, so maybe it was a sign that his time had come. Unfortunately, instinct kicked in and he opened his mouth to gulp in some air. Flailing, Harry stood up with a mouth stuffed with bacon, a clogged nose, and dripping hair.

Hermione and Ron finally realized that their friend (for now, anyway) was in some sort of peril. Hermione held a napkin to Harry's nose while Ron attempted to pull bacon strips from Harry's mouth.

Behind him, Harry heard, "Potter, I never realized how attractive you are with your hair all slick like that. Want me to help you with some of that mess? I could..."

"Go away, Malfoy! I want Professor Snape to help me!" Harry felt sick. What was he saying? Why was greasy hair and sneering so attractive all of a sudden? Why did he suddenly have the urge to fondle buttons?!

"Fine," Malfoy sneered (Harry almost had a heart attack), "Your complexion isn't sallow enough anyway."

It must be some kind of spell. Yep, that was it.

"Have-", Harry paused, staring off at the head table and the slap fight going on between the Headmaster and Professor McGonagall, "-have you two noticed something strange going on?"

Neither of his friends responded, Ron was helping get the bacon grease out of his hair, or at least that's what he hoped Ron was doing because it was beginning to get a bit creepy. Hermione, on the other hand, was staring rapturously at Snape, completely oblivious to anything else.

"Ron! Stop fondling my hair!"

Ron muttered a quick sorry and moved back to his seat, looking guilty. Once there he quickly placed one of Hermione's books on his lap. Harry looked at his friend's bright red face, then down at the book, then back up at his face, then down at the book once more before it finally dawned on him as to what happened. Ew. Ron wanted him. Ron who was not a sexy potions master. Ew.

Harry reached across the table to poked Hermione in the arm, finally getting her attention. "I said, don't you think something strange is going on?"

Hermione gave him a sharp look, "Harry, I have no idea what you're talking about." She turned back toward the head table to watch Snape, who was doing staring at his colleagues as though they had all gone insane (A very logical assumption on his part). Or perhaps she was watching the cat fight that had grown to include Sprout, Hooch, Remus (Why on earth was he here?), and Hagrid.

"He's right Hermione," Ron said. Thank God for Ron. Good ol' Ron would help him figure out what was wrong wi- "Maybe it's some sort of curse, placing that beautiful man here, just out of reach." -or not.

Hermione swooned as Snape rose from the head table to walk out of the great hall. "Oh, however will we get through potions today? I don't think I can sit in his class one more day without throwing myself at him."

Harry had resisted the urge to bang his forehead on the table up until this point, but, sadly for him, the house-elves had just replaced his plate of bacon and he ended up head first in it once more.

Niiki: baconcrazy_nickels on April 27th, 2006 12:16 pm (UTC)
Will you stop with the bacon already? So hungry...
Περσέπολις: snape hermionepersepolis130 on November 17th, 2006 06:14 am (UTC)
OMG bacon!!