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13 August 2005 @ 04:16 pm
HORRIBLE Sirius/Remus fic!  
Look, Elaine! I wrote something! YAY!

The following is a Remus/Sirius BADfic that has been composed using the worst clichés ever. Enjoy how absolutely terrible the plot and dialogue are! Without further ado, I bring you, “How Remus and Sirius Got Together”:

Remus was lounging on his four-poster bed in the boys’ dormitory, reading a muggle novel (probably by Hemingway or some other very famous author) and stuffing Honeydukes chocolate into his mouth, because that was all he ever did during his free time. No, really, that’s it. He just
loved books and chocolate SO MUCH.

Remus enjoyed his solitude, because he was very introspective and quiet, as well as a pushover (some might go so far as to call him ‘emo’). Remus
sighed as he ate the last of his chocolate; he was thinking of Sirius again. He had been in love with him since fifth-year, but loving Sirius Black was a
lost cause: Sirius was straight. Well, Sirius didn’t really date anyone, but what were the odds that 2 boys in a group of 4 were both gay? The object of his affection suddenly barged into the room, interrupting Remus’ angst-filled pondering.

“I hate Snivellus, and I hate my family, and my life sucks!” Sirius whined.

“Oh, yeah. Your life sucks SO much, even though you are brilliant in school, you get away with hexing people left and right, you’re popular in spite of your being a complete jerk…” Remus fleetingly wondered why he was so much in love with Sirius.

“My life still su—“




Sirius looked perplexed and decided to stop talking about whether his existence sucked or not.

“Um. Where is James?”

“Stalking Evans. Sirius, you should know by now that that’s all he does nowadays. And Peter is—“



“Who are we talking about?”

“Peter Pettigrew.”

“Still nothing.”


“Um…” Sirius blinked questioningly.

“The annoying, chubby kid who is disturbingly obsessed with James and with whom we are friends only because he is a raging fanboy.” Remus deadpanned.

“Oh, yeah! Sorry, it just seems like he’s NEVER around. I mean there are supposed to be FOUR Marauders, right? Where is he anyway?”

“He’s always with that Hufflepuff girlfriend of his, so he’s rarely seen in Gryffindor tower. He only comes back here to sleep.”

“That seems strangely convenient somehow. So…I guess we’re all alone, then.” Sirius was suddenly very uncomfortable because he secretly fancied Remus.

“Until James gets back, so at least a few hours, yeah.”




“Wow. That was a really unexpected and awkwardly placed confession. Why do you need to tell ME that? Isn’t James your best mate?”

“Now that you mention it, yeah he is. I don’t know why I felt the need to tell you first. I thought you’d understand, seeing as you’re a werewolf and all, ‘cause you’re different from other people?”

“Actually, I’m even more unusual than you think.” Remus looked suggestively at Sirius, who was now oddly intrigued by his friend.

“What do you…?”

Remus decided to stick his tongue in Sirius’ mouth to shut him up. It was quite an effective strategy, and Sirius seemed to be enjoying it immensely, and proceeded to keen and mewl lustily. They ended up having earth-shattering sex (even though they were both virgins and were virtually devoid of sexual experiences) in which there were screams of:

“Oh god!”


“Oh, Merlin, yes!”






“Ohmygod, I think you just found my prostate!”

and many, many exclamations of:


Remus and Sirius then went on to have a loving, meaningful relationship for many years. Well, their love affair was interrupted during the War when
Sirius suspected Remus of being a spy, Remus suspected Sirius of being a spy, James and Lily were murdered, and Sirius killed Peter (but not really) and was consequently imprisoned in Azkaban for 12 years…but other than that, everything was great! THE END.
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Pirates of the Caribbean
Alial_shmal_my_pal on August 14th, 2005 02:31 am (UTC)
oh lawdy lawd!
petor does suck teh ass, and sirius and remus do too...only, in a good way :) i will continue to read ur and elaine's stories, and i will continue to write profound poetry...later...much!

....and they dun prostated...t3h 3nd!!!11one
younglizbethyounglizbeth on August 14th, 2005 04:34 pm (UTC)
Re: oh lawdy lawd!
Prostated?! You just turned a noun into a verb! YAY! It can now join 'tea ceremony-ed' in the dictionary.
worstficever: slytherdorworstficever on August 14th, 2005 02:39 am (UTC)
Yes, yes it is
This made me reevaluate my entire life. What have I been doing with myself thusly? I mean! I could be writing teh amazing!bad!fic. It makes me sad. I am a worthless, ashamed, despicable, unworthly, slovenly, sexually deviant, smelly, ugly, pimpled, fat, ashamed, worthless, despicable, stupid, sticky, freaky dipshit. I shall kill myself.
younglizbeth: cowbellyounglizbeth on August 14th, 2005 04:38 pm (UTC)
Re: Yes, yes it is
Don't kill yourself! You need to live so you can finish Yoda/Dobby and Cave Troll/Bathroom Troll fics!!!!!

And you are not worthless, ashamed, etc, etc. You're just not as cool as me. Strike that. NO ONE is as cool as me! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Elaine: Write Pornlainey_chan on August 14th, 2005 02:47 am (UTC)
Deleted Scene:

"Oh, Remus, yes! Just like that!"

And then suddenly Severus Snape entered the room.

"How the hell did I get here? Oh well, I guess it doesn'y mat---HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!"

And Snape ran from the room sobbing about the horror of teh doggy-sex.

dorkyhobbitdorkyhobbit on August 14th, 2005 02:50 am (UTC)
*Chortle snort* I luurve you!!
younglizbeth: Faces of Snapeyounglizbeth on August 14th, 2005 04:40 pm (UTC)
Elaine, you just couldn't wait for me to write the deleted scene could you?! I will forgive you this time because I LOVE IT!

It's just funny 'cause I was thinking of putting this type of scene in there originally!
younglizbeth: cowbellyounglizbeth on August 14th, 2005 04:42 pm (UTC)
"Oh, Remus, yes! Just like that!" <<< So, is Remus the top in your mind?

For some reason I always thought of Remus as a pushy!bottom....

Ok, I don't know why I think of these things.
Περσέπολις: snape hermionepersepolis130 on November 17th, 2006 06:03 am (UTC)