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The following is a Remus/Sirius BADfic that has been composed using the worst clichés ever. Enjoy how absolutely terrible the plot and dialogue are! Without further ado, I bring you, “How Remus and Sirius Got Together”:
Remus was lounging on his four-poster bed in the boys’ dormitory, reading a muggle novel (probably by Hemingway or some other very famous author) and stuffing Honeydukes chocolate into his mouth, because that was all he ever did during his free time. No, really, that’s it. He just
loved books and chocolate SO MUCH.
Remus enjoyed his solitude, because he was very introspective and quiet, as well as a pushover (some might go so far as to call him ‘emo’). Remus
sighed as he ate the last of his chocolate; he was thinking of Sirius again. He had been in love with him since fifth-year, but loving Sirius Black was a
lost cause: Sirius was straight. Well, Sirius didn’t really date anyone, but what were the odds that 2 boys in a group of 4 were both gay? The object of his affection suddenly barged into the room, interrupting Remus’ angst-filled pondering.
“I hate Snivellus, and I hate my family, and my life sucks!” Sirius whined.
“Oh, yeah. Your life sucks SO much, even though you are brilliant in school, you get away with hexing people left and right, you’re popular in spite of your being a complete jerk…” Remus fleetingly wondered why he was so much in love with Sirius.
“My life still su—“
“…AndyouaresohotandIwantyourbody.”
“What?!”
“Nothing.”
Sirius looked perplexed and decided to stop talking about whether his existence sucked or not.
“Um. Where is James?”
“Stalking Evans. Sirius, you should know by now that that’s all he does nowadays. And Peter is—“
“Who?”
“Peter.”
“Who are we talking about?”
“Peter Pettigrew.”
“Still nothing.”
“Wormtail.”
“Um…” Sirius blinked questioningly.
“The annoying, chubby kid who is disturbingly obsessed with James and with whom we are friends only because he is a raging fanboy.” Remus deadpanned.
“Oh, yeah! Sorry, it just seems like he’s NEVER around. I mean there are supposed to be FOUR Marauders, right? Where is he anyway?”
“He’s always with that Hufflepuff girlfriend of his, so he’s rarely seen in Gryffindor tower. He only comes back here to sleep.”
“That seems strangely convenient somehow. So…I guess we’re all alone, then.” Sirius was suddenly very uncomfortable because he secretly fancied Remus.
“Until James gets back, so at least a few hours, yeah.”
“…”
“…”
“RemusIhavetotellyouthatIamahugepoof.”
“Wow. That was a really unexpected and awkwardly placed confession. Why do you need to tell ME that? Isn’t James your best mate?”
“Now that you mention it, yeah he is. I don’t know why I felt the need to tell you first. I thought you’d understand, seeing as you’re a werewolf and all, ‘cause you’re different from other people?”
“Actually, I’m even more unusual than you think.” Remus looked suggestively at Sirius, who was now oddly intrigued by his friend.
“What do you…?”
Remus decided to stick his tongue in Sirius’ mouth to shut him up. It was quite an effective strategy, and Sirius seemed to be enjoying it immensely, and proceeded to keen and mewl lustily. They ended up having earth-shattering sex (even though they were both virgins and were virtually devoid of sexual experiences) in which there were screams of:
“Oh god!”
and:
“Oh, Merlin, yes!”
and:
“Remus!”
and:
“Sirius!”
and:
“Ohmygod, I think you just found my prostate!”
and many, many exclamations of:
“FUCK!”
Remus and Sirius then went on to have a loving, meaningful relationship for many years. Well, their love affair was interrupted during the War when
Sirius suspected Remus of being a spy, Remus suspected Sirius of being a spy, James and Lily were murdered, and Sirius killed Peter (but not really) and was consequently imprisoned in Azkaban for 12 years…but other than that, everything was great! THE END.
The following is a Remus/Sirius BADfic that has been composed using the worst clichés ever. Enjoy how absolutely terrible the plot and dialogue are! Without further ado, I bring you, “How Remus and Sirius Got Together”:
Remus was lounging on his four-poster bed in the boys’ dormitory, reading a muggle novel (probably by Hemingway or some other very famous author) and stuffing Honeydukes chocolate into his mouth, because that was all he ever did during his free time. No, really, that’s it. He just
loved books and chocolate SO MUCH.
Remus enjoyed his solitude, because he was very introspective and quiet, as well as a pushover (some might go so far as to call him ‘emo’). Remus
sighed as he ate the last of his chocolate; he was thinking of Sirius again. He had been in love with him since fifth-year, but loving Sirius Black was a
lost cause: Sirius was straight. Well, Sirius didn’t really date anyone, but what were the odds that 2 boys in a group of 4 were both gay? The object of his affection suddenly barged into the room, interrupting Remus’ angst-filled pondering.
“I hate Snivellus, and I hate my family, and my life sucks!” Sirius whined.
“Oh, yeah. Your life sucks SO much, even though you are brilliant in school, you get away with hexing people left and right, you’re popular in spite of your being a complete jerk…” Remus fleetingly wondered why he was so much in love with Sirius.
“My life still su—“
“…AndyouaresohotandIwantyourbody.”
“What?!”
“Nothing.”
Sirius looked perplexed and decided to stop talking about whether his existence sucked or not.
“Um. Where is James?”
“Stalking Evans. Sirius, you should know by now that that’s all he does nowadays. And Peter is—“
“Who?”
“Peter.”
“Who are we talking about?”
“Peter Pettigrew.”
“Still nothing.”
“Wormtail.”
“Um…” Sirius blinked questioningly.
“The annoying, chubby kid who is disturbingly obsessed with James and with whom we are friends only because he is a raging fanboy.” Remus deadpanned.
“Oh, yeah! Sorry, it just seems like he’s NEVER around. I mean there are supposed to be FOUR Marauders, right? Where is he anyway?”
“He’s always with that Hufflepuff girlfriend of his, so he’s rarely seen in Gryffindor tower. He only comes back here to sleep.”
“That seems strangely convenient somehow. So…I guess we’re all alone, then.” Sirius was suddenly very uncomfortable because he secretly fancied Remus.
“Until James gets back, so at least a few hours, yeah.”
“…”
“…”
“RemusIhavetotellyouthatIamahugepoof.”
“Wow. That was a really unexpected and awkwardly placed confession. Why do you need to tell ME that? Isn’t James your best mate?”
“Now that you mention it, yeah he is. I don’t know why I felt the need to tell you first. I thought you’d understand, seeing as you’re a werewolf and all, ‘cause you’re different from other people?”
“Actually, I’m even more unusual than you think.” Remus looked suggestively at Sirius, who was now oddly intrigued by his friend.
“What do you…?”
Remus decided to stick his tongue in Sirius’ mouth to shut him up. It was quite an effective strategy, and Sirius seemed to be enjoying it immensely, and proceeded to keen and mewl lustily. They ended up having earth-shattering sex (even though they were both virgins and were virtually devoid of sexual experiences) in which there were screams of:
“Oh god!”
and:
“Oh, Merlin, yes!”
and:
“Remus!”
and:
“Sirius!”
and:
“Ohmygod, I think you just found my prostate!”
and many, many exclamations of:
“FUCK!”
Remus and Sirius then went on to have a loving, meaningful relationship for many years. Well, their love affair was interrupted during the War when
Sirius suspected Remus of being a spy, Remus suspected Sirius of being a spy, James and Lily were murdered, and Sirius killed Peter (but not really) and was consequently imprisoned in Azkaban for 12 years…but other than that, everything was great! THE END.
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Pirates of the Caribbean
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